moving forward

It is all too easy to become discouraged during times of change. The reason that long-term change is difficult is precisely because it is not a steady stream of immediate success---it is all about the ups and downs and, ultimately, having more jumps in one direction than in the other. 

Here I have the opportunity to overcome a challenge, to make it past these times of discouragement and weariness. I know, however, that in these times I must rely on God to be my help, to guide me through. 

¹³ For I am the LORD your God 
   who takes hold of your right hand 
and says to you, Do not fear; 
   I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

I have honestly been terrified recently. Both previous spring semesters, I have gained a significant amount of weight. The thought of going backwards from this point is just...petrifying. I know that's terrible, but I really haven't been doing a very good job of trusting God recently. As it turns out, if you don't trust Him in one area of your life, odds are you aren't trusting Him in any others. 

But He has just been so faithful, I can't deny that He has been so present and active in my life, despite my lack of faith. 

"being confident of this, 

that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ"

-Philippians 1:6

Lord, please help me to trust You. Grant me peace and faith to live by, joy to fully rejoice at the work that You have already done in me. With your eyes, may I look forward and see and give thanks for the beautiful things yet to come. I love You.

Goals

I have discovered more and more how important goals are...it's not the act of overcoming but the acts of moving toward something, of hoping, and of believing you can change with His help. It's also become more apparent how crucial it is to pick goals that are within reach--things that I can fail at again and again and just keep on trying until I get it. Because what's the point of doing things you never fail at?

With that said--I have three new goals for the coming weeks for forming healthier habits.

First, the food-related one:

1) No food after dinner :)

Yea, I've had issues with this lately. My eating schedule was causing me to eat very early dinners, so I was ending up eating again afterwards. Which is not cool, man. So we're going to put a stop to that.

2) Carry my water bottle around and drink a lot more water.

Apparently, I'm constantly dehydrated. And that's bad for skin, bad for health in general, sooo yea more water. :)

Here comes the hardest one:

3) Sit up straight.

Oh man, I can't even begin to explain how lazy I've been about this in recent years. But I figure it's a good start to restrengthening my core and my back. Not to mention I'd like to have a straight back when I get older.

Once I've started getting these settled into my habit drawer, I have a bunch more to work on, but for probably the next month at least---these will be my biggies.

Fire in my soul

"When I can no more stir my soul to move, 

And life is but the ashes of a fire;

When I can but remember that my heart

Once used to live and love, long and aspire--

Oh, be thou then the first, the one thou art;

Be thou the calling, before all answering love,

And in me wake hope, fear, boundless desire."

Just when I've given up and reached the end of my own will...I come crawling back. I am always reluctant, but sometimes I come more quickly than others. It always seems like a distant memory when I try to remember how God has drawn me out of the pit in the past, although He has done it faithfully and without fail time and time again. And each time, He calls on me to put to death the part of myself that has again tried to make my home in the world. Every time, He re-awakens my soul, opening me up to the things that one can never remember in the world. Oh, how I wish I could remain in this place. How I wish I could find a place in this heavenly realm to tie myself to it. But I know that, in time, I will wander and have to crawl back here again. I just hope each time I will do it more quickly and less reluctantly.

Thank You, Lord. You are so good.

Day 42

So in the last few days, I've had some time in the morning to walk to class. In this time, God's given me some time to talk to Him. It's amazing how you ask for ministry with one person--and suddenly five turn up. 

Lord, please give me strength to endure and grace to not rely on myself. Please also help me as I dive back into my original commitment, that it may be seen through by Your strength and not mine. I love You. 

Day 39

I've been digging to find some strength--and usually I feel like I'm pulling from nowhere, but somehow it seems to come. Tomorrow begins a new semester, new classes, new challenges.

It seems I am destined to wait. Whether God is answering all those prayers for patience or just working on some other plan of His, I'm not really sure. I'm more or less resigned to whatever happens. But whatever it is, I'll bet it's crazier than I ever planned. I'll bet it's more surprising and more challenging than I would probably be able to imagine. So, I figure, why bother trying to figure it out?

Today, I am working on removing from my room those things deemed "random crap," as well as the supplies for the hobbies that I've chosen to focus off of for now. Hopefully, my room will be emptier and happier, and will help me focus on the things I'd really like to do :)

"I must learn to brook being happier than I deserve"

-Frederick Wentworth (aka Jane Austen)

Day 35

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that what happens today should never discourage you about or distract you from tomorrow. When the day ends, whether it was successful or not (by whichever standard), tomorrow will always be a new day and a new fight. We should not let our guard down after victory, nor should be wallow after what we feel is defeat. Both cases lead to dangerous outcomes. We must simply "continue to do good" (1 Peter 4:19).

Yeah, sometimes we mess up. But as our pastor so eloquently put it: "So?" Yeah, it was a screw up. And that is where it ends. God forgave me, and I will do the same. His mercies are new every morning, and by that example, may I ever find grace to understand that His forgiveness is more than enough to give me new hope each day.

Day 13

"Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be; the slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees"

-Addison Road

My Redeemer, my King. I'm afraid I've made You too small. Where I am, who I am, it all belongs to You. As my life is changing, I pray You will change my heart and reveal the precious truths that bring me closer to Your heart. 

I am Yours, above all.