Fire in my soul

"When I can no more stir my soul to move, 

And life is but the ashes of a fire;

When I can but remember that my heart

Once used to live and love, long and aspire--

Oh, be thou then the first, the one thou art;

Be thou the calling, before all answering love,

And in me wake hope, fear, boundless desire."

Just when I've given up and reached the end of my own will...I come crawling back. I am always reluctant, but sometimes I come more quickly than others. It always seems like a distant memory when I try to remember how God has drawn me out of the pit in the past, although He has done it faithfully and without fail time and time again. And each time, He calls on me to put to death the part of myself that has again tried to make my home in the world. Every time, He re-awakens my soul, opening me up to the things that one can never remember in the world. Oh, how I wish I could remain in this place. How I wish I could find a place in this heavenly realm to tie myself to it. But I know that, in time, I will wander and have to crawl back here again. I just hope each time I will do it more quickly and less reluctantly.

Thank You, Lord. You are so good.

Day 42

So in the last few days, I've had some time in the morning to walk to class. In this time, God's given me some time to talk to Him. It's amazing how you ask for ministry with one person--and suddenly five turn up. 

Lord, please give me strength to endure and grace to not rely on myself. Please also help me as I dive back into my original commitment, that it may be seen through by Your strength and not mine. I love You. 

Day 39

I've been digging to find some strength--and usually I feel like I'm pulling from nowhere, but somehow it seems to come. Tomorrow begins a new semester, new classes, new challenges.

It seems I am destined to wait. Whether God is answering all those prayers for patience or just working on some other plan of His, I'm not really sure. I'm more or less resigned to whatever happens. But whatever it is, I'll bet it's crazier than I ever planned. I'll bet it's more surprising and more challenging than I would probably be able to imagine. So, I figure, why bother trying to figure it out?

Today, I am working on removing from my room those things deemed "random crap," as well as the supplies for the hobbies that I've chosen to focus off of for now. Hopefully, my room will be emptier and happier, and will help me focus on the things I'd really like to do :)

"I must learn to brook being happier than I deserve"

-Frederick Wentworth (aka Jane Austen)

Day 35

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that what happens today should never discourage you about or distract you from tomorrow. When the day ends, whether it was successful or not (by whichever standard), tomorrow will always be a new day and a new fight. We should not let our guard down after victory, nor should be wallow after what we feel is defeat. Both cases lead to dangerous outcomes. We must simply "continue to do good" (1 Peter 4:19).

Yeah, sometimes we mess up. But as our pastor so eloquently put it: "So?" Yeah, it was a screw up. And that is where it ends. God forgave me, and I will do the same. His mercies are new every morning, and by that example, may I ever find grace to understand that His forgiveness is more than enough to give me new hope each day.